Ah Tinder… This app can mean so many different things to different people, with so many different intentions for different men. Though the consensus seems to be that Tinder is on it’s way out, I’ve been trying different app based dating sites and Tinder still offers the most variety and quantity for our shopping pleasure. So the mission of this article is to really get the male point of view on Tinder. So I hunted down my guy friends that are on Tinder, to pick their brains.
First, is it just a hook up app? Or can you meet your Channing Tatum?
There are men on both sides of this spectrum. The one extreme might be this incredible looking French high fashion model I know who told me, “I had to get off Tinder because there are just not enough days in the week to fuck all these girls.” Now we may want to murder him, oiu? Or perhaps we should thank him for his honesty. I mean, he is French, gorgeous, with the body of a statue. Perhaps we should thank him for his services. I did. Or there’s my friend we’ll call Donny, who just met a girl he is so excited about on Tinder. “I’m not locking it down or anything yet,” Donny says, “but I am really looking for a serious relationship with someone who is interested in sharing my life with me.” Ah! So there are some of those relationship guys on Tinder!
Well how do we know who’s who?
Because there are the wolves in sheep clothing. One guy I went out with, who’s name will be withheld because remarkably we are still friends, is just some random dude from accounting. He’s cute and has nice hair, but is more like the boy on your block, attainable, or so it should seem. His profile said “I’m normal if you’re into that sort of thing”. Yes! When you’re over thirty you ARE into that sort of thing. And I thought “Oh, he looks sweet”. I was so wrong. He was a wolf. On the second date, in the middle of Vitello’s, he drops the bomb, “I’m not looking for a relationship.” Exsqueeze me? Was he hurt before? No. Is he hero fighting a war he needs to get back to so he doesn’t want to hurt you? No. He’s just random accounting guy, 36, who thinks he’s so fucking great that he should be able to bang lots of chicks without offering more. I asked him if perhaps he was a prince of somewhere I hadn’t heard of, or maybe some sexual artist that services women with his extraordinary talents . No. (I did sleep with him since I was in a dry spell and it was decent. But this guy won’t even go down on a girl! Major point deduction.) I was so mad he wasted my time. I had so carefully stayed away from the hot shirtless models to avoid this exact situation, the dreaded “not looking for anything serious speech.” I didn’t think it would come from random Accountant Guy. I mean, what’s he got to look forward to, more nights trying to get into Hyde? I wanted to smash his Chicken Parmesan in his smug face. Especially when he told me he would make an exception for Miranda Kerr. (He was serious. He actually thinks this could happen.) So since that date I added the obligatory “Not looking for hook ups”. I get less matches, but at least it saves us both time and as mentioned by the Accountant Guy “$75 in drinks”.
But Accountant Guy ended up being really good for something. Answers. He enjoyed giving me the inside scoop on what him and his fellow predators do on Tinder to reel in the bait. According to him, they do something called auto like. They like every single girl and then sit back and in his words “wait to see who’s thirsty”. Then when they get matches, they send out messages and see who writes back. It’s a numbers game. Then when he gets a match, he sends out his secret opening line (which apparently is such a panty dropper he won’t reveal it) and waits for a response.
Now wait a second, can girls message guys first?
Accountant guy says, “yes of course, we appreciate the help.” But here is where things get sticky. Another Tinder user, my friend Terry, has a different opinion. “Never ever write the guy first,” says Terry, “See, unlike girls we don’t look closely at your profile when we swipe right. We just swipe right, swipe right. Then when we get a match we take a closer look and we actually read what you have to say and we think ‘nah, never mind, I don’t like her’. Then if the girl messages us there’s this moment where we think ‘Oh this is awkward, poor girl, she wants me to write back and now that I looked closer I just don’t want to.’” When Terry said that it made a lot of sense. In talking to a lot of guys about Tinder it does seem that girls look much more closely than guys when they swipe.
So I then I moved on to asking them what kind of responses they like or don’t like. They all mentioned hating one word answers. Accountant Guy says, “They need to throw you a bone to give you something to work with.” I then ask why he cares if he just wants to get laid? He says “Well the ultimate goal is to find someone to have sex with that you don’t mind laying there with for a half an hour or if, god forbid, they spend the night.” I bet the one word answer he hears is “no”.
Okay, let’s get to the Tinder pictures guys like and dislike on our profiles.
Every guy mentioned hating ‘duck face’ and loving pictures that show personality and creativity and again, giving them something to start a conversation with. Accountant Guy says “Bikini pictures on a bed are a desperate cry for attention, but lots of guys would like that because they see her as slutty and hot. A girl can be in a bikini but it’s the way you do it, like if you’re with a group of friends, like a party pic, versus a mirror selfie.” He also recommends never putting pictures of yourself up with someone hotter than you.
Terry agrees, “Don’t take pictures with your hotter friends because I’ll want to meet them instead.” Accountant guy thinks having four or five selfies is weird, “I mean, do you have friends?” My friend Johnny says “Selfies are a symptom of self obsession and ego.” Terry says, “If you don’t have any pics below the shoulders I will assume you are hiding a belly.” Every single guy mentioned that they appreciate a nice body shot. Another thing all the guys seem to agree on is no pictures with kids. They don’t care if they are not even yours. It plants kids in their heads. Donny, our resident nice guy, likes a picture with a dog to show you care. Guys do seem to comment a lot on my picture with my Bulldog.
So hopefully these tips from my pool of guys I interviewed are helpful to get us more matches and actually get some decent conversations going. I took down my pic with my hot friends, and my pic with my friend’s kid, even though my abs looked super good in it. I do tend to agree with Terry about not writing first. I think every time I have written first they either don’t write back or give a polite but non enthusiastic response. Perhaps it’s because they finally read my “No Hook Ups” clause. As my friend Johnny says “To go on Tinder specifically to find a spouse is ludicrous. One would be better served on Christian Mingle or FarmersOnly.com.” I’m holding out hope that Johnny is wrong, that my soulmate IS on Tinder!
Next time look for my follow up, ‘Do’s and Don’ts on a Tinder Date”, on PinkKale.com!